2004-06-18 - 2:25 a.m.
I never thought my family was weird. To me, they were just my family. Mom, sister, brother... I never even realized that most kids had a dad present. I just didn't think about it. Now I realize that my dad was gone before I even knew him enough to miss him and when he did spend a little time with me, it usually left me bitter and angry. I don't have any photos of him holding me as a baby... or young child. I've never danced with my father. He just was a non-entity. I guess nothing could soften the blow of not having a boy. I got to know him a little bit more when I was older. I didnt like him that much. He was always off with his metal detector on the beach somewhere.. Or away on business... I think I talked to my step mother and half siblings more than I talked to him. Everytime I called it was "He's in North Dakota" or "He left yesterday for South Carolina". Que Sera Sera right?
I'm realizing that I don't hate. I'm not jealous. Maybe it's the hallmark of growing up..I mentioned this to someone. I don't know. I'm trying to be content with what I have but it's hard. There is temptation everywhere.. A smile, a glance, a simple hello can lead to so many exciting possibilities... But maybe, just maybe, if there's no hate in you, there might not be any real love in you either. You might just drift through life passively. I moved out here to be free from encumberances but now I'd be happy for the excitement. I can't wait for the 4th!
