2006-01-17 - 3:49 a.m.
I regret that I was a little lax with my diary last year, but with so much going on regarding the employment and health situations, I felt it best that I direct my energy toward that instead of this.
Anyway, I spent thousands of dollars to be misdiagnosed and put on a seven-week drug therapy regimen. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I found it in the form of accupuncture. It took me four visits to my accupuncturist to fix the false-starts that my internist offered me. I'm feeling much better now, but I think I'm going to go for a second course of accupuncture for the recent pains that I've been having. To head them off at the pass so to speak.
So weirdness upon weirdness so far this month. Matthew called me up out of the blue. I haven't heard from him since October. I'm not sure what's going on. I was so swamped at work on Saturday and then the trip with the fam that I didn't get a chance to call him back. Talking to him is difficult, though. There was a time when I really wanted to be involved in his life, but I never felt like I was getting anything from him because he was too busy calling me on my shit. He always left me feeling raw and exposed. I could probably have gone two rounds with Mike Tyson and come out less hurt. That's always been me though, to feel too much, ache too much, yearn too much... Anyway, there's always something highly dramatic going on in his life, as opposed to mine which seems to be on a steady, even keel and as much as I'd like to sometimes, I can't let anyone rock my boat..In fact, since I retired from nannying it seems like everything is falling into place (from a professional standpoint)
Health? check! Career? Check!
And now on to the reason that I can't sleep. I recently became reacquainted with someone that I was infatuated with when I was younger. I'll lay out the whole thing for you. I started talking to him while I was in a chatroom. It was for men in the military and women who apparently had crushes. We enjoyed talking to each other so we started using IM instead of the room. We hit it off. The first night we had so much in common, so much to talk about. So much, in fact, that we filled the IM window and had to close it to start a new one. We did that twice again and just said "fuck it lets just talk on the phone instead". So basically, every waking moment that I had was spent talking to this wonderful man with whom I had so much in common.Talk about feeling too much.
I think it's probably fair to point out that concurrent to all of these goings-on, I was also in the midst of a nervous breakdown and some pretty terrifying depression caused by several factors including my continuous cocaine habit, and my beloved great-grandfather's death, in addition to the break up of a five-year relationship.
Needless to say, a little encouragement from him was all that I needed to feel like I could make it through one more day of my life. He was so emotionally supportive. I guess "infatuated" is an accurate way to describe my feelings. Grateful is another one.
One day he called me up and told me that we wouldn't be talking anymore. I knew that he'd had some problems of his own but I couldn't seem to find a way to be of use. For some reason, I had only thought it would be temporary. It wasn't. I didn't know what had happened to him until last week.
So, I'm reacquainted with this guy again. He had a really bad accident a few years ago, right around the time we stopped talking. Apparently his long-term memory is kaput. It's driving me nuts now. In a way, I wish I had never messaged him. There are so many things that I want to ask him. Unfortunately, it seems that the answers are lost to both of us forever. I'm being tortured by what-if's.
I'm going back to bed now. I think I'll sleep only because I'm completely exhausted. I wish Cory were around to offer another perspective. He always knows what to say.
I always say you never know who you'll find on MySpace. That's what I like about it. And it's also what I hate about it.
