2004-06-22 - 11:41 p.m.
Life is a challenge.. Some people meet that challenge, others don't. When I was a teenager, I had a lot of male friends.. I'm still a bit like that. It's just the way I feel most comfortable. I had a friend named Michael that I adored.. He was the coolest boy in school. He was on the football team and played baseball and even better, listened to Metallica.. He was a real rebel. He liked my neon spiral shoelaces so I gave them to him. We were going to be friends for life.
When we were in 8th grade, he sat in front of me in study hall. We would pass notes back and forth for an hour everyday.. I was soooo happy when he started dating my best friend. That meant that we could hang out together more often.
I had a boyfriend. He was an artist named Matt. He was so talented and fun. He wore a black trenchcoat and studied swordfighting... ..But because he was so unusual it caused problems with Mike.. I'm not sure exactly what his complaint was but he thought that Matt wasn't good enough for me for some reason.. A fact which he was quite outspoken about.
He was going through a lot the last time I saw him. His father had just died and I guess he was lonely and needing some comfort. I don't know. I wish I had listened. After class, we had a huge fight about Matt. He just told me to dump him. He said our friendship depended on it. I was stubborn and closed-minded and did what any kid who was feeling the first blushes of puppy love would do: I told him to fuck off. I told him in no uncertain terms that I hated him and wished he would die.
People say be careful what you wish for. I wasn't careful. I should have handled it better. Hindsight is 20/20.
That day Mike skipped baseball practice. He didn't meet his sister after school like he was supposed to. He didn't wait for the bus. He just started walking home. It was about 4 miles across town.. He walked it alone without a word to anyone. When he got home, he put on a recording of Black Sabbath.. He was listening to "Changes" when he got out his Geography notebook... it was on repeat so he was listening to it again when he wrote his note to all of his loved ones and when he took the shotgun out of the cabinet. He got the shells out of the hallway closet.
I'm not sure what happened after that. Either they wouldn't tell me or I never heard over the sound of my heart breaking.
Someone in my neighborhood heard about it before I did. My anger was still very much present. When someone told me that Mike Still had killed himself, I thought that he was talking about Mike Senior.. I said, "Good, I hope his son dies too."
I never meant to say that. My anger got the best of me and it just came out. I learned a terrible and important lesson right then. I learned to never speak in anger.
My childhood ended that day. Even now, when I think about that handsome boy, that beautiful life, ended before it's time, I still ache inside.
Michael Bradley Still
1976-1990
Rest in Peace knowing that I still love you.. and learned from my mistakes.
